Monday, December 6, 2010

Hysterosalpingograms: Another Way To Feel Humiliated With Your Pants Off.

The next pit stop on the long and frustrating road to Conceptionville had us heading to the hospital for what was without a doubt one of the more irritating moments of my life. Yes, ladies, if you didn't think things could get much worse than your good ol' yearly pap smear, just add in various catheters, inks-n-dyes, and machines that look like they may come to life and murder you.

At this moment, you're having a Hysterosalpingogram.

You'll just have to imagine a sterile tray of torture devices and elevated stir-ups.

They tell you it's JUST an X-Ray of your internal lady parts. JUST? Please. Now, I'll admit, I did some research ahead of time because I like to be informed. But being informed came with the price of being terrified. The Internet is riddled with women who said that for them, it was more painful than labor. Say WHAT?? Of course there were women who said it was a piece of cake, easy as pie. But I ignored these women in favor of the ones that were making me sweaty, teary-eyed, and panic stricken.

Enter the husband. I didn't ask him to go with me but he could clearly smell the freak-out that was brewing. He wasn't alone. The receptionist in the Radiology department, the X-Ray tech, the doctor who was elbow deep in my stuff, and the poor nurse who offered to hold my hand during the procedure were all very aware that I was wussing out. I wish I hadn't worn silver eyeshadow. I probably looked terrified AND ridiculous.

So I leave my loving hubby in the waiting room as I feel like I'm walking the Green Mile. The next thing I know, I'm siting in a hospital gown with no drawers on, wishing every pair of socks I owned didn't look like a 5 year old girls little footie. The sweetest nurse in the history of nurses brings me into the torture room and I get situated. I won't get graphic but iodine and a man I didn't know in latex gloves were involved.

So what IS a Hysterosalpingogram and why was I getting one?

That's basically a fancy and technical name for an X-Ray of your uterus, fallopian tubes and ovaries to look for blockages, fibroids, cysts, scar tissue, etc. Basically scouting out anything that could be preventing sperm and egg from hooking up. Where does everything turn sour? When they crank you open with the speculum, thread in a catheter (OUCH #1) and then pump dye into your stuff (OUCH #2). There you are, exposed to the world, cramping up, bleeding a little, and having the pleasure of watching it all on a screen.

Remember the pretty and symmetrical uterus from your text books?

Not even close. It's like panties with 2 noodles connected to random mush.

That is not my business but it's not far off. Right at that moment, legs still in splits formation, they told me that everything was wide open. Bad choice of words, medical professionals! Regardless, there was nothing blocking the path. Good news! But with the good comes the bad, and the bad came in the form of bleeding, cramping, and a few moments of dizziness and nausea (most likely because I psyched myself out before hand and hand to come back down to reality).

An attentive husband and 64 ounce boot of Spaten Oktoberfest helped.

Next topic: my junk gets a break. It's Todd turn to squirm!


  1. How do you even pronounce it?

    Glad the preliminary news turned out good, though. I hope your future baby appreciates all of the genital torture his/her parents had to go through. Whew!

  2. the most horrifying part of this entire story, for me, was your use of my most hated word: "panties".

  3. Earlier in the story I said DRAWERS, just for YOU!

  4. thank heavens for "drawers"... and my personal favorite, of course, "underpants".