***

I feel like we're getting the bad news all over again. I feel like it's the morning after Spencer was born and the hits began coming. I thought I was feeling better and things were looking up. And before anyone gets concerned for the wrong reasons, things are still going well with Spencer. Test results are all headed in the right directions. There were just a lot of feelings brought back to the surface during an evaluation he had today. And now 2 more appointments per month have been added to his (and my) schedule. Nothing makes you feel more like a selfish scumbag than crying on your sleeping son's noggin. I haven't cried in awhile and was feeling a champ. This week I cried during my OB follow up and today. I hate even typing this. Do I really want to relive these kind of feelings? Because I'm relatively certain I'll feel better in no time. So why am I saving this for posterity? I don't see how having this for all if eternity will help me.

Hating life today. Loving Spencer though.

***

I had a fun weekend which included leaving my son overnight for the first (and possibly ONLY if I remain so mushy) time. First, Spencer and I went to the opening reception of the art show at my mom's work. He was a star that evening. Everyone just went crazy over him...and his $9 sweater from H&M bought special for the occasion. When Todd came to take our little boo home, it was hard to let him go. How was I going to leave him overnight if I couldn't part with him for a few measly hours??? Man, life has changed. I was walking around and looking at art (I bought a picture called WIGS) with a bottle of breast milk in my pocket instead of a flask!

After the art show, I went to see They Might Be Giants with my sister. It was an evening that was set up way before Spencer debuted on the scene. She thought for sure that I'd bail because I didn't want to leave him but I went and had a lot of fun. And I got home right in time for his midnight feeding. More Spencer and Mommy bonding time. Hell, he's laying right next to be as I blog this! He's a major part of all aspects of my life. He's my best pal.

In the morning, I found myself packing a bag (and a bag with a breast pump in it), getting ready to celebrate 2 years of marriage at Kalahari. I was in a panic about leaving him. Every time I thought about saying goodbye to him, I was pack in the hospital watching him leave to be transported to Rainbow. Even at Kalahari, Todd said it's so hard to look at pics from our 10 days in the hospital or to think about him going through what he did (and what we did). And I had to remind him that I'm still there. Every week I'm at the Pediatric Hematology/Oncology clinic, living it. But that's another story. When it came down to leaving him this time around...by choice...my mom said to say "see you soon" instead of "goodbye", so that's what I did. I knew he was in good hands.

So to Kalahari we went. It was sooooo laid back and relaxing. We had no agenda. Drinking, eating, hot tub, lazy river, hotel room, whirlpool. We laughed and talked (even named Spencer's hypothetical future sibling), and just tried to unwind. And we did...for the entire first day. By early afternoon the next day, the anxiety set in. I didn't sleep so great and when I did, I had nasty dreams with Spencer in them. I needed to be with him and Todd understood. On the drive home, I couldn't believe how badly I wanted to be with him. Even just to lay on the couch with him, no frills. He's my favorite way to spend the day. Being in a hot tub with my husband of 2 years and a cocktail is swell. Being with Spencer is incredible.

I walked in the door and got him into my arms where he belongs. And I swear he looks bigger, older, makes new facial expressions, etc. That's probably not true but it feels that way. I enjoyed my anniversary overnighter (a tradition we started last year) but I think it'll be a little while before I leave him for that long again. My how life has changed.

For the better, of course!!

Happy Moments That Make the Pain Hurt a Little Less: Vol. 1

1. Spencer rolled over at 24 days old. Our pediatrician says she doesn't even look for that until around 4 - 5 months. He's rolled over multiple times since then on both couch cushions and on the floor.

2. He was wiggling and fussing quite a bit while we were laying side by side. As soon as he moved himself close enough to make skin-to-skin contact by touching his head to my arm, he fell right to sleep.

3. When we were reunited in the NICU after 2 days apart, I wanted to move from the right side of his incubator to the left but didn't want him to think I was leaving him. So I talked kept talking so he'd know I wasn't leaving him. He followed my voice and turned his head. He knew my voice from the moment he was born.

4. He farts in his sleep. A lot. And I laugh.

5. When I read to him and use funny voices, he reacts. He seems both excited and interested. I try to read to him every day and luckily, thanks to hisbaunts, he has plenty of books. On the inside of the book we most recently got him, Todd wrote "I loved this book as a kid and I love you as a man".

6. People who don't like babies or have never held babies hold Spencer. He's so sweet and easy going that people feel comfortable handling him. He's a tiny guy, fresh out of the oven, and he has the ability to bring comfort to adults. And seeing people like Aunt Bizzle hold him brings ME comfort.

7. Baby clothes. Period.

8. From birth, Spencer has had three poses. He puts his fist under his chin like The Thinker, he rests his chin on the back of his open hand, very angelically, and he gentally lays one hand on his chest like he's taking pause. As he's grown, he's started putting his arms up like a goal post when he sleeps. And more recently, he started sleeping like me: one leg up in a figure 4 and one arm up above his head like he's disco dancing. Every move is effing adorable and I coo all over him like an annoying mom.

9. He puckers his lips a lot and I always tell him "If you're going to pucker, I'm going to kiss you". Then I plant one right on his lippers.

10. In the rare occasion that he cries for something other than food, I can soothe him.

***

Laying in bed with Spencer asleep on my chest, in his star jammies that Aunt Sherry brought to him in the NICU, is perfection. It's something I never thought I would love this much. All the garbage that has happened or is happening or might happen with him melts away. It's almost like he's back in my belly again where he was safe. He's safe here in my lovin' arms and he calms and soothes me without even knowing it or meaning to. While I love the time we spend with daddy, my favorite time of day is when I've given Spencer his early morning bottle and we climb into my bed for an hour or two after Todd gets up for work. Mommy and Spencer nap time. If you pull away the layers of garbage we're under, at the core, I'm madly, completely, and eternally in love with Spencer. I can't stress it enough. He's my best buddy. My favorite. Just being with him and seeing how awesome and laid back he is through it all blows my mind. It's amazing what a little snuggle can do to set you right. I owe all my good moment to you, little boo.

***

One month ago today at 3:53pm, Spencer came into our lives. Despite everything that has happened since, it remains the best day of my life. He is still the sweetest baby I have ever been around and I know how lucky I am to be his mommy...especially since everyone keeps threatening to kidnap him. Everyday, I learn more about him, and myself. I am a lot stronger than I thought, even if I don't always feel that way. And I'm a good mom, though I don't always feel THAT way. Some how, the second they put him in my arms 1 month ago, I knew what to do. I just knew how to be a mom. And with all the hurt we've felt this past month, I know exactly how big my heart is. And it totally belongs to Spencer (OK, Todd gets some of it, too). I've wasted too much time with my tears. From this point forward, I'm sucking it up because I don't want to miss a second of Spencer. Even the seconds that involve poop.

Yesterday we received more good test results. Just like the frogs, things are only moving forward. He's up to 7 lbs 14 ounces and looking, sounding, and feeling good, just as he should. He's getting super strong and making the doctors happy. I still despise watching him give blood but he handles it. A quick cry and he's over it. And then I do what I do...snuggle him close and kiss him melon. It's good for both of us. The bottom line is that his test results rocked and we now only have to go downtown biweekly!!! I still believe Spencer is kicking ass to make things easier for me. I think he wants me to be happy when I'm with him, not feel bad for him. So I felt proud instead. He's such a good little guy! And yes, he's still getting a treat for being so tuff! Anyway, hopefully things continue on a positive wave and then they'll say he's in "remission" and we'll only go monthly just to keep an eye on things. Then we can just deal with his other needs. That sits just fine with me because if I had to watch him be treated for cancer...it would break me.

So Happy 1 Month to the love of my life. You've made me a better person and I hope I'm doing right by you. Every day that we spend together is better than the one before. You've got such a little personality and I love watching you grow. But maybe you could slow down jusssssst a little. I don't want to wake up tomorrow and have you going off to college. I won't be able to dress you in robot and monster outfits then.

I LOVE YOU!

***

On Wednesday, Spencer had a pretty awesome doctor's appointment. I hate watching my little dude give blood, especially when I'm at the appointment alone. It breaks my heart. But we got awesome results and he looked, sounded, and felt good. If his numbers stay on their current trend, I will be able to go downtown biweekly instead of weekly. That would be Heavenly!

But on top of some improvements in health, Spencer did something pretty awesome: he rolled over!!! According to the interwebs, this typically doesn't happen until 2 - 3 months, and that seems to be the trend with the children of my friends. Spencer was 24 days old! He was getting his Tummy Time and FLIP, over he went! It happened several more times yesterday and was caught on video.

I'm not bringing this up to brag. It's a developmental milestone. Due to sone of his issues, we thought these things would be delayed, not happen uber-early. His muscle tone has been in question since birth and he's showing EVERYBODY what he's made of. His doc saw great improvement in his tone on Wednesday afternoon. I guess he just wanted to blow her mind at next week's appointment!

He sure blew our minds. We're proud parents.

He got "Where The Sidewalk Ends" as a treat for being a trooper at the clinic and for blowing minds all over the place. Todd sent me a text saying, "You're doing a good job taking care of Spencer". It was sweet to hear but it's truly my pleasure. He's amazing. And I wonder if he's kicking ass like this to make things easier on me.

All I know is that watching him roll RULES!!!