tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-79068957819698306652024-03-13T23:04:42.985-04:00The Family at 1313 Mockingbird Lane<b>Mother...Father...look at your little monster!</b>Sharky Marie P.G.http://www.blogger.com/profile/16549686087448941449noreply@blogger.comBlogger100125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7906895781969830665.post-36566049104435888942011-12-31T09:12:00.000-05:002012-01-01T17:41:19.690-05:00As of January 1st...<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: Georgia, Utopia, 'Palatino Linotype', Palatino, serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21px;">...I will no longer be posting here at 1313 Mockingbird Lane. In my blog life, I kept my pre-pregnancy life and mommy life separated with The Cleveland "A" and The Family At 1313 Mockingbird Lane. But that's really ridiculous, I've come to realize. I'm still me but I'm also a mom now. I didn't stop being me because Spencer came into my life, I just got better. If I want to keep blogging, which I do, then everything needs to be rolled into one because that's how life is.</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white;">So starting tomorrow you can find me blogging about all things awesome at a new location. New year, new blog. I hope you'll follow along because I'm sure things will be as crazy as they've ever been because 2012 is going to be my year. So Happy New Year, loyal readers, and...good night.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white;">http://FromBettieToBetty.blogspot.com</span></div>Sharky Marie P.G.http://www.blogger.com/profile/16549686087448941449noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7906895781969830665.post-67246810163539162412011-12-31T08:29:00.000-05:002011-12-31T08:29:25.779-05:00Spencer: My Favorite Photos (3)<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: x-large;"><b><u>Turkey Day, Cookie Day & X-Mas Photo Shoot</u></b></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-large;"><b><u>4 MONTHS to (almost) 5 MONTHS</u></b></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-large;"><b><u>CHRISTMAS FESTIVITIES </u></b></span></div>
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Happy 100th post at Mockingbird Lane and Happy New Year's, y'all. 2011 brought me Spencer Lee, the best thing in my life, but it brought me plenty of heartache and pain. I am ready for a new year and a fresh start. See you in 2012, the year of Spencer!!!!</div>
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<br /></div>Sharky Marie P.G.http://www.blogger.com/profile/16549686087448941449noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7906895781969830665.post-52534043325954957742011-12-31T07:57:00.002-05:002011-12-31T07:57:23.635-05:00Spencer: My Favorite Photos (2)<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: x-large;"><b><u>2 MONTHS to 3 MONTHS</u></b></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-large;"><b><u><br /></u></b></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-large;"><b><u>HALLOWEEN</u></b></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-large;"><b><u><br /></u></b></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-large;"><b><u>3 MONTHS to 4 MONTHS</u></b></span></div>
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To be continued in the next post...</div>
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<span style="font-size: x-large;"><b><u><br /></u></b></span></div>Sharky Marie P.G.http://www.blogger.com/profile/16549686087448941449noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7906895781969830665.post-980942547691716182011-12-31T07:30:00.001-05:002011-12-31T07:30:39.944-05:00Spencer: My Favorite Photos (1)I've been asked by a few in the Blogosphere to share some pictures of Spencer, which I haven't done here up to this point. I'm not really sure why I haven't. Maybe I just wanted to keep him to myself. And some of the early pictures are for sure difficult to look at. Painful memories. But there are also AMAZING memories. So, per your request, here are my favorite pictures of Spencer Lee Fonzarelli. They may span a few posts. ENJOY!<br />
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<b><u><span style="font-size: x-large;">HOSPITAL</span></u></b></div>
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<b><u><span style="font-size: x-large;">1 MONTH to 2 MONTHS</span></u></b></div>
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To be continued in the next post...</div>
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<br />Sharky Marie P.G.http://www.blogger.com/profile/16549686087448941449noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7906895781969830665.post-14331560838136878322011-12-27T12:16:00.001-05:002011-12-27T12:16:50.910-05:00***Spencer's 1st Christmas was amazing. I relived my childhood through him and it was one of the best times of my life. He was spoiled rotten by boatloads of people but in my mind, he deserved it. Everyday, he soothes are pain residue left in my heart and I'd give him the world if I could. But clothes, books, toys, and supplies for solid foods worked just as well. It was pretty magical all-in-all.<p>
And has been such a good boy with all the running around and events we had. Last week he opened his 1st presents at my parents' house. Friday, Todd's family came for a quick get-together. Christmas Eve, he suited up and we went to my aunt's and then wrapped up the night with fondue fun at Castle Grayskull. People decorated cookies for Santa, stuffed our faces, watched Christmas Vacation, drank Christmas Ale, and called it a night!<p>
In the morning, Aiden helped Spencer open his gifts and I was reminded once again how Spencer is the best thing that ever happened to me. The best gift...though my necklace with his name and birthdate was a close 2nd! We had breakfast at my sister's and then headed to my aunt's for a Christmas Day pajama party! It was fantastic. Exhausting from beginning to end, buy pure awesome. I couldn't have asked for a better 1st Christmas for my baby boy. It was all about family and I took the time to enjoy every moment. Being thankful for the good moments are important because I'm sure there are still raincloud in the sky.<p>
Sadly, Christmas is over and nothing cements that more that a horrific cough and alternating chills and sweats. But I get to hang out with my guy today and we just woke up from a nice, long nap. He's taking care of mama today. We're going to read some new books, play with some new toys, and bring 2011 to a welcome close. I'm praying that 2012 goes smoothly for us, beginning to end, because I think we're owed. I know that good things will be coming our way. I'm looking forward to starting fresh with a clean slate. This holiday was a great way to gear up for a new beginning.Sharky Marie P.G.http://www.blogger.com/profile/16549686087448941449noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7906895781969830665.post-89934752804417972472011-12-19T10:46:00.002-05:002011-12-19T10:46:39.659-05:00***On Thursday, I got a night out on the town. It's not like I'd been craving one at all. Having Spencer hasn't help me back from doing things I've wanted to like hanging with friends, eating out, shopping, etc. Hell, he's even been to Dave and Buster's! But I was looking forward to kicking back with my co-workers and pals after our company Christmas party. Being at PJ McINtyre's felt like old times when Todd and I would have our Thursday date nights.<br />
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But when I got home, a photo book I made for my parents of Spencer's best pictures up until now had arrived. And those first 5 or 6 pages of pictures from the NICU and Step Down...which my poor guys covered in leads and wires and tubes and monitors...it brought me back to the beginning and I CRIIIIIIED and CRIIIIIIIED. Sobbed. Alcohol and pictures of your sweet baby boy at a time in his life when every single odd was stacked against him was just to much to take. And stitches in my heart went POP POP POP.<br />
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But the whole thing made me realize something. While being out and about is great fun, I'd rather hang with Spencer than do anything else. Period. You could tempt me with any crazy adventure and the simple fact is that I'd rather lay on the floor and goof off with my son. It's good for the heart. And like I've said, he's NEVER held me back, only pushed me forward. Where I go, he goes, and if he can't go, I don't want to go. Simple as that. And I've exposed him to as much as I (safely) can and will continue to do so. I get to relive my childhood through him and it's amazing.<br />
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That's why this holiday season has been unlike any before. I've been a grinch for the last 10 years but not now. Todd is participating and we've started new traditions and I love Spencer being a part of all this. Maybe he doesn't realize what gifts he's gotten or what's going on but he will when he's older. Thanks to being a picture junkie, everything is well documented. One day, he'll look at the photos and I can tell him how awesome his 1st Christmas was and how it was one of the best times of my life.<br />
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Then he'll probably tell me I'm being embarrassing and to stop smooching him.<br />
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But I never will.<br />
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Happy Holiday y'all.Sharky Marie P.G.http://www.blogger.com/profile/16549686087448941449noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7906895781969830665.post-45955989277322556412011-12-08T06:47:00.001-05:002011-12-08T07:03:19.197-05:00Dear Spencer Lee: volume one.Dear Spencer Lee:<br />
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I wrote you a bunch of letters while you were growing in my guts but haven't written one since you made your debut into the world. I guess I never thought to jot down a message for you to read in the future because I'm ALWAYS talking your ears off. All day, all night, yack yack yack. You pretty much know everything I think about everything. You're my best friends. But you already know that.<br />
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At 3:53pm today, you will be 4 months old. It's so exciting and so sad at the same time. I love watching you grow and seeing how much personality you have (with me and Daddy as your parents, you were destined to ooze personality). But you're not my tiny little peanut anymore. You're a strong, big boy (if you can call 12.3 pounds and 24.2 inches BIG). I love what a goofball you are and I love that I can make you smile and laugh. Actually, I love everything about you and having you in my life...I even love changing your diapers!<br />
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I just love you. Period.<br />
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4 months ago, you came into my life and everything changed. I just wish that you didn't have to go through some of the things you're going through or might go through as you get older. But I can't think about that. I need to relish every moment or whatching you grow. I'm not ready for you to be older! Will everything that happened when you were born, and the fact that they took you away from me and to another hospital, I feel like I missed some things. I feel like I was robbed of those wonderful early moments with my baby boy. But we've made up for it!! I'm so glad that we have such a strong bond. It's the most important thing in the world to me.<br />
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I think you are so strong. It has seemed from the moment that you were born, you were trying to be strong for me. You worked so hard to show what you could do and what you could overcome. You blew my mind immediately and continue to every day. There's a plan for you that's bigger than I can comprehend. I really believe that you are going to be something special. I'm so thankful that I get to be a part of whatever you turn out to be. I just hope I'm doing right by you. I'm trying so hard to be the best mom for you, and I hope you can sense that. I love you. Have never loved anything or anyone like this. I wish I could protect you from...everything. But I don't think you need to much protecting. You want to see the world. You want to do everything, anything. I think you want to make me happy and you do. You have no idea and I'll spend the rest of my life trying to make you understand how much you mean to me.<br />
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Happy 4 months, love of my life. I've got a snuggle with your name on it.<br />
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<em>Now my heart is full.</em><br />
<em>Now my heart is full.</em><br />
<em>And I just can't explain.</em><br />
<em>So I won't even try to.</em><br />
<br />
Love to the moon and back, <br />
MommySharky Marie P.G.http://www.blogger.com/profile/16549686087448941449noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7906895781969830665.post-17740501236532986842011-12-06T09:24:00.001-05:002011-12-06T09:34:11.454-05:00***Seems I have a case of the blues. I'm not sure why things are deciding to resurface now but here they are and they're punching me right in the eye sockets. We had a wonderful Thanksgiving and are SO looking forward to Spencer's 1st holiday season. But things creep in. Pain. He is totally unaffected by anything. He is happy and growing and thriving and sweet. But I am feeling pain for the both of us and I need it to just STOP. I wasted so much time being sad when he was in the hospital. That is time I can't get back. I don't want him to ever feel sad when I'm around him. I want him to feel like I am his Number 1 Fan, because I am. I never want him to think that I'm sad because of him...not BECAUSE of him but sad on his behalf.<br />
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I have to shake this. I have to just cry when I'm not around him, get it out of my system, and move on. Christmas is going to be amazing with Spencer, I know this. I don't want to miss a minute of it because I'm stuck in my own head. <br />
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Yesterday he started physical therapy to help with his muscle tone. He's not behind yet but he's a risk to lag. Well, he kicked ASS. His therapist saw incredible improvement from when he was initially evaluated. She was happy and encouraged with the progress she saw. Everything she was hoping he would do, he did. So we left with some simple exercises to work into his home routine to give him a little boost. He wants to hold that head up for longer periods of time. He keeps trying to sit up on his own. He wants to see the WORLD. And damn it, I'm going to make sure he does.<br />
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He kicked cancer's ass. He's going to kick therapy's ass.<br />
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And he's going to kick my ass if I don't get it together. I've always been his pal. Constantly at his side, pushing him, playing with him, helping him, loving him. He needs me to help him be the best he can be. And I truly believe he's going to "show" everyone and be totally mind-blowing. I think he's going to blow my mind and I ALREADY think he's exceptional.<br />
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I just need to get over this hump. I have to think positive. I have NO OTHER CHOICE. I look at the 12 pictures of him on my desk at work, his smiling, goofball face and smooshy cheeks staring back at me and I swear, each one is saying, "<em>Mom, everything's going to be cool. I'm OK".</em>Sharky Marie P.G.http://www.blogger.com/profile/16549686087448941449noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7906895781969830665.post-77930363710677088922011-11-29T09:30:00.001-05:002011-11-29T09:55:29.123-05:00***It's official. As of last night, it has been confirmed that Spencer's Leukemia cells, a.k.a. Blasts, are gone. The disorder has been resolved. A few weeks later than they thought but all that matters is those pesky cells have taken a hike. Now we can start planning a HUGE party early next year to celebrate. One more thing off Spencer's checklist. One more thing.<br />
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Having those cells gone was high up on my X-Mas Wish List. Number 1 is a little on the personal side and not something I can see myself getting. Let's say a cancer-free baby boy is tied for number 1. Maybe I can finally get some quality sleep. Even though he's been seriously tuff stuff and after a post-blood draw nap is back to normal, totally unphased...I'm phased. My hurt lasts longer. I need a long nap now that this ordeal is wrapping up.<br />
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Outside of the joy I'm feeling after getting the clean bill of health call last night, I've had a great week with my boy. My BOYS, actually. Spencer's first Turkey Day was a smashing success and Todd and I both really enjoyed ourselves. My extended family really is the best. Spencer is so loved. The holiday ended with Spence and myself falling asleep in the new king size bed. Perfection. Friday, he watched me make X-Mas cookies and went to Dave and Buster's for the first time. It was risky to take him there since my overachiever is teething but it was a blast. He is addicted to brights lights and music. Vegas bound? Rock star? Saturday was the traditional family Cookie Day and he was a perfect little dude. It felt like he had always been there. He just FITS. Sunday my in-laws came over to see him and I decorated for his first Christmas season. I've never been so excited for Christmas and my dude LOVES the Christmas tree!!! We took his 1st Christmas pictures to send out in our cards yesterday after the doctor (and for those wanting to see picture of Spencer, I'm holding off until the end of the year and then I'll post all of my favorites).<br />
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Speaking of the doctor yesterday...<br />
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It was rough. They had a very difficult time drawing his blood and the crocodile tears were flowing. That just rips my heart out of my chest. Still, it's nice to know no one can comfort him like mommy can. Eventually they were able to get what they needed out of his foot but it offset his whole day. No trip to see Santa. He was crabby and slept most of the day away. He barely ate. Seeing him not being his goofy, joyful, energetic self hurts. I can't take his pain and I should be able to. I'M THE MOM!<br />
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But the day ended on good news (after an adult milkshake at B-Spot) and I know more than ever that you MUST count your blessings. You're a fool not to.Sharky Marie P.G.http://www.blogger.com/profile/16549686087448941449noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7906895781969830665.post-57836657418993415692011-11-22T05:55:00.001-05:002011-11-22T06:05:39.500-05:00***I received a letter in the mail regarding an evaluation Spencer had that was very positive and reassuring about his development. I have every confidence that he's going to blow minds left and right. He's done so much to be awesome in his 15 weeks of life and I don't just see that coming to a screeching halt.<br />
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But it was the phone call I received that really knocked my socks off.<br />
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For the first time since this whole Leukemia thing began, the pathologist did not see ANY abnormal cells in Spencer's bloodwork! You read that right. NO ABNORMAL CELLS. I was so excited I could barely stay on the phone with his doctor. I wanted to call Todd right away! We'll have a confirmation follow-up (and a blood draw for a case study he's in...he's the only baby from Rainbow in a case study involving 80 national hospitals), and if the blasts stay gone, he's in "remission". Technically, it's not REMISSION because it resolved itself without treatment and was a transient form of Leukemia. But that's really the best way to describe it.<br />
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He'll always be at risk for full-blown Leukemia requiring treatment but I'm going to take this good news and run with it. Will cross that horrible bridge when and if we have to. With him being in this case study for the next 5 years, if something pops up, they're sure to catch it quick and squash it.<br />
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I never really thought Spencer was sick. He grew and ate and developed and thrived. He never showed any signs of being a sick baby, just like when Southwest thought he had an infection but Rainbow said, "<em>This is NOT a sick child</em>". No, he's not a sick child. He's an AWESOME child. And once the holidays are over, he's getting the biggest and best party I've ever thrown! After all the shenanigans that have occurred since his birth, he deserves a party. He's stronger than anyone I know. <br />
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And Hell, his parents could use a party, too.<br />
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So this is what I'm thankful for this year. That my bouncing baby boy has overcome yet another obstacle on his road to greatness and that Todd and I are still surviving it all. One more thing off the Gansert Family check list. Kick Leukemia's ass? CHECK. I'm also thankful for my rad friends and family, especially my sisters, without whom I would be far worse off than I am. Actually, I'm not in such bad shape.<br />
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After all, my son is cancer-free!!!<br />
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Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!!!Sharky Marie P.G.http://www.blogger.com/profile/16549686087448941449noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7906895781969830665.post-4758116953154849412011-11-17T11:27:00.001-05:002011-11-17T11:41:23.839-05:00***I'm back. And I'm back to blogging.<br />
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Well, Maternity Leave is over after scoring an extra week at home. Sure, I had to have surgery to make it happen (damn kidney stone had the NERVE to get stuck) but it was one more week of Mommy/Spencer time.<br />
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But honestly, coming back to work has kind of been a blessing. I'm good at my job and being here is a time where I can't be all up in my head. As everyone knows, Spencer has some health and development issues (the latter of which I don't really like to talk about...other than to say I think he's going to blow everyone's minds because he's already exceeding expectations and rocking left and right). We didn't expect these things. There were no indicators...though there should've been. So it's been a little rougher on me than on the average mom. <br />
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And being a mom at all means I'm CONSTANTLY worried about my little guy, and would be whether he had any issues or not. So it's good to just dive into something else for a few hours. He's in good hands. He's got Father/Son time on Monday, and 15 hours with a sitter per week. That's really nothing. We're super lucky. I know this.<br />
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So I'm back. And I'll just quickly say that Spencer's appointment at the Pediatric Hematology and Oncology clinic at the Seidman Cancer Center (say that five times fast...and then throw up because it's horrific that he eve has to go there) went really well! My fella is 11 pounds 14 ounces and 24.2 inches long. All his number (platelets, white blood cells, complete neutrophil counts, hemoglobin) were all normal or above and the computer didn't pick up ANY abnormal cells. But that's happened twice before and a pathologist ended up seeing a few. Can't have a Remission party until those bastards are GONE according to a human being.<br />
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But overall, things look fantastic. They love him there. He has a plethora of nurse girlfriends and the doctors are amazed by how active, alert, and interested he is. He's taking in his surroundings and dancing his pants off, literally. But no matter how many times they tell me how good things LOOK (and how he's doing things beyond his age group), I won't be able to rest until I hear those stupid cells are gone. I'm going to be in Mom Panic Mode until then.<br />
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I guess that didn't really constitute "quickly".<br />
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Despite all the extra stress on us and on Spence, I love being a mom. It was something I knew I wanted to do but not something I knew I'd be good at. And I've got the best kid. I know every mom says that. He's so quiet and cute and content. Nothing going on in his life bothers him. He's a trooper at every doctor's appointment and just the sweetest boy at home. He's the best thing to EVER happen to me and I'm so looking forward to his first Turkey Day and Christmas.<br />
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And I couldn't handle any of this without my family and friends...The Spencer Army. Team Spencer. I appreciate everything everyone has done and will never be able to repay any of you the way you deserve. Especially my sisters, Spencer's best gals. <br />
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So today, I'm feeling good and strong. Pretty awesome.<br />
<br />Sharky Marie P.G.http://www.blogger.com/profile/16549686087448941449noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7906895781969830665.post-53119141185288205692011-11-01T16:44:00.003-04:002011-11-01T16:44:48.360-04:00***I've got a quick minute to blog before my best buddy wakes up from his little snooze. I've been trying to blog for the past few days but EVERY TIME, it disappears. Makes me want to throw in the towel but that's not my style, as I'm sure you know by now.<br />
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Yesterday was Spencer's 1st Halloween and I couldn't have asked for a better holiday. He was adorably awesome in his shark costume (Mommy was a mermaid and Daddy was the Gortons fisherman). We did my mom's cul de sac, where Spencer was very popular and filled his little Frankenstein bag quickly, and then warmed ourselves inside at my family Halloween party. My heart was warmed as well. It was a rad night with my little guy.<br />
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What's NOT rad is abnormal cells still showing up in his blood. Every time we think we're going to get a clean bill of health, something is still lingering. I should be happy that the numbers have always been on a downward trend and they are now only at 1%, I know that. But until he HITS and STAYS AT 0%, we can't have him "<i>Hooray! I'm in REMISSION!</i>" party. Anyone who cares about us at all is praying for that day. Spence and I go back to the Hematology/Oncology clinic in 2 weeks. Hopefully there's good news by then.<br />
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Some good news that we received at his evaluation today is that he does not need speech or occupation/fine motor assistance. He's right on track! These are the things that really mattered to me because they're more "mental", just to quickly describe it. Yes, he's slightly delayed where his motor skills are concerned but with some physical therapy exercises, his muscles will be built up in no time. They were VERY happy with his development so I'm happy, too. Next week, I'm going to learn how to do infant massage...just a fun little thing for my me and my dude!<br />
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Not so fun? Going back to work.<br />
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These are my last 5 days one-on-one with Spencer and I feel horribly sick. I know women with kids work. I know I need to work. But I would gladly give a few of my toes to be able to stay home with him. I've been the one working with him daily. Sure, it may just be reading, playing, listening to music, Tummy Time, but it's been part of our daily routine. I feel like I'm abandoning him. Maybe it'll feel better after I get back into the groove. And if it doesn't, I'll reevaluate. Spencer is without a doubt my top priority. I'm the head of Team Spencer.<br />
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I'm just feeling much better than I was 12 weeks ago (I can't believe my guy turned 12 weeks yesterday) and I'm terrified that separating from him will set me back. And I will NEVER forgive myself if he gets set back in any way. I've been told that I'm a good mom (by my own mom, family members, doctors/nurses, and my husband) and I don't want to screw that up.<br />
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But I won't lie, I still wish we all had it just a bit easier.<br />
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Still...Spencer is the best thing to ever happen to me. My heart is full.<br />
<br />Sharky Marie P.G.http://www.blogger.com/profile/16549686087448941449noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7906895781969830665.post-81389734182281426192011-10-19T15:09:00.001-04:002011-10-19T15:09:39.388-04:00***Spencer was baptized on Monday. He was such a stunner in the little white suit his god-mommy got him. When the priest held him up and introduced him as the newest member of the church to our families, I almost cried. So many people love him so much, no one more than me. He blows my mind every day with the little person he's becoming and the things he does. I believe he's going to impress people with the direction his development is going in. I'm going to bust my ass to help him become the best person he can be. Pushing him, pushing myself, pushing everyone I can to help him...that's my job as his Mommy.<p>
And speaking of my job...<p>
Now is the most important time in Spencer's development and we know he may have some bumps in the road. I work with him every day. We listen to music, read books, exercise, talk, and play. He scored a ton of new toys yesterday to stimulate his senses and motor skills. I know I have to work. I know I can't drop everything. But I also know it's most important for me to be with him, at least for awhile, and make sure he's getting the attention he needs. So I'm asking for decreased hours when I stop by my work tomorrow. I'm nervous about it, like I'm letting people down. But we didn't expect these challenges. I didn't expect him to have 5 sets of doctors and a slew of hurdles, including possible Leukemia. I didn't expect to give birth to the sweetest, coolest little boy on the planet and hear he might have some struggles...I didn't expect to be medicated just to be strong for my son. This wasn't my plan but this is what I have to do. Because if there's anything I can do to make things easier on Spencer, I'll never forgive myself if I don't give it my all.<p>
Everyone keeps saying all of this happened for a reason or God must have a plan for me. I just wish I knew what it is. I wish I could make sense out of everything. I wish I could stop taking "crazy pills" and just be the backbone like I've always been. But most of all, I wish things were just different. But maybe if they were, I'd be raising someone that wasn't Spencer. That's not a gamble I'm willing to take.<p>
<I>I love you. Thank you for Spencer.</I> - ToddSharky Marie P.G.http://www.blogger.com/profile/16549686087448941449noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7906895781969830665.post-87469161092260356112011-10-04T16:42:00.001-04:002011-10-04T16:47:23.255-04:00***I'm packing up all of Spencer's newborn jammies. My little dude isn't a 6 pound 1 ounce newborn anymore. He's an awesome, thriving, growing little guy...with quite the sense of fashion, I must say. It is so hard to believe he'll be 2 months old on Saturday. Todd and I ate going to soak up the good weekend weather and do something fun with our guy. Our big boy, who will hopefully be dubbed in "remission" tomorrow afternoon. So into the bin you go, little jammies. Hopefully we'll see you again on another Baby Gansert some day.<p>
At this moment, life is good. Living moment to moment is my new thing. It's the easiest way to go. Now if you'll excuse me, Spencer and I have a date to read <I>The Family Fang</I>. That will no doubt be a slew of good moments.Sharky Marie P.G.http://www.blogger.com/profile/16549686087448941449noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7906895781969830665.post-70475704549720696302011-09-26T18:07:00.001-04:002011-09-26T18:07:14.173-04:00***I feel like we're getting the bad news all over again. I feel like it's the morning after Spencer was born and the hits began coming. I thought I was feeling better and things were looking up. And before anyone gets concerned for the wrong reasons, things are still going well with Spencer. Test results are all headed in the right directions. There were just a lot of feelings brought back to the surface during an evaluation he had today. And now 2 more appointments per month have been added to his (and my) schedule. Nothing makes you feel more like a selfish scumbag than crying on your sleeping son's noggin. I haven't cried in awhile and was feeling a champ. This week I cried during my OB follow up and today. I hate even typing this. Do I really want to relive these kind of feelings? Because I'm relatively certain I'll feel better in no time. So why am I saving this for posterity? I don't see how having this for all if eternity will help me.<p>
Hating life today. Loving Spencer though.Sharky Marie P.G.http://www.blogger.com/profile/16549686087448941449noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7906895781969830665.post-39031132232056678492011-09-20T08:37:00.001-04:002011-09-20T08:44:43.190-04:00***I had a fun weekend which included leaving my son overnight for the first (and possibly ONLY if I remain so mushy) time. First, Spencer and I went to the opening reception of the art show at my mom's work. He was a star that evening. Everyone just went crazy over him...and his $9 sweater from H&M bought special for the occasion. When Todd came to take our little boo home, it was hard to let him go. How was I going to leave him overnight if I couldn't part with him for a few measly hours??? Man, life has changed. I was walking around and looking at art (I bought a picture called WIGS) with a bottle of breast milk in my pocket instead of a flask!<p>
After the art show, I went to see They Might Be Giants with my sister. It was an evening that was set up way before Spencer debuted on the scene. She thought for sure that I'd bail because I didn't want to leave him but I went and had a lot of fun. And I got home right in time for his midnight feeding. More Spencer and Mommy bonding time. Hell, he's laying right next to be as I blog this! He's a major part of all aspects of my life. He's my best pal.<p>
In the morning, I found myself packing a bag (and a bag with a breast pump in it), getting ready to celebrate 2 years of marriage at Kalahari. I was in a panic about leaving him. Every time I thought about saying goodbye to him, I was pack in the hospital watching him leave to be transported to Rainbow. Even at Kalahari, Todd said it's so hard to look at pics from our 10 days in the hospital or to think about him going through what he did (and what we did). And I had to remind him that I'm still there. Every week I'm at the Pediatric Hematology/Oncology clinic, living it. But that's another story. When it came down to leaving him this time around...by choice...my mom said to say "see you soon" instead of "goodbye", so that's what I did. I knew he was in good hands.<p>
So to Kalahari we went. It was sooooo laid back and relaxing. We had no agenda. Drinking, eating, hot tub, lazy river, hotel room, whirlpool. We laughed and talked (even named Spencer's hypothetical future sibling), and just tried to unwind. And we did...for the entire first day. By early afternoon the next day, the anxiety set in. I didn't sleep so great and when I did, I had nasty dreams with Spencer in them. I needed to be with him and Todd understood. On the drive home, I couldn't believe how badly I wanted to be with him. Even just to lay on the couch with him, no frills. He's my favorite way to spend the day. Being in a hot tub with my husband of 2 years and a cocktail is swell. Being with Spencer is incredible.<p>
I walked in the door and got him into my arms where he belongs. And I swear he looks bigger, older, makes new facial expressions, etc. That's probably not true but it feels that way. I enjoyed my anniversary overnighter (a tradition we started last year) but I think it'll be a little while before I leave him for that long again. My how life has changed.<p>
For the better, of course!!Sharky Marie P.G.http://www.blogger.com/profile/16549686087448941449noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7906895781969830665.post-26164030302381044622011-09-14T09:49:00.001-04:002011-09-14T10:06:16.326-04:00Happy Moments That Make the Pain Hurt a Little Less: Vol. 11. Spencer rolled over at 24 days old. Our pediatrician says she doesn't even look for that until around 4 - 5 months. He's rolled over multiple times since then on both couch cushions and on the floor.<p>
2. He was wiggling and fussing quite a bit while we were laying side by side. As soon as he moved himself close enough to make skin-to-skin contact by touching his head to my arm, he fell right to sleep.
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3. When we were reunited in the NICU after 2 days apart, I wanted to move from the right side of his incubator to the left but didn't want him to think I was leaving him. So I talked kept talking so he'd know I wasn't leaving him. He followed my voice and turned his head. He knew my voice from the moment he was born.<p>
4. He farts in his sleep. A lot. And I laugh.<p>
5. When I read to him and use funny voices, he reacts. He seems both excited and interested. I try to read to him every day and luckily, thanks to hisbaunts, he has plenty of books. On the inside of the book we most recently got him, Todd wrote <I>"I loved this book as a kid and I love you as a man"</I>.<p>
6. People who don't like babies or have never held babies hold Spencer. He's so sweet and easy going that people feel comfortable handling him. He's a tiny guy, fresh out of the oven, and he has the ability to bring comfort to adults. And seeing people like Aunt Bizzle hold him brings ME comfort.<p>
7. Baby clothes. Period.<p>
8. From birth, Spencer has had three poses. He puts his fist under his chin like The Thinker, he rests his chin on the back of his open hand, very angelically, and he gentally lays one hand on his chest like he's taking pause. As he's grown, he's started putting his arms up like a goal post when he sleeps. And more recently, he started sleeping like me: one leg up in a figure 4 and one arm up above his head like he's disco dancing. Every move is effing adorable and I coo all over him like an annoying mom.<p>
9. He puckers his lips a lot and I always tell him <I>"If you're going to pucker, I'm going to kiss you".</I> Then I plant one right on his lippers.<p>
10. In the rare occasion that he cries for something other than food, I can soothe him.
Sharky Marie P.G.http://www.blogger.com/profile/16549686087448941449noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7906895781969830665.post-50487500549763372332011-09-12T20:18:00.001-04:002011-09-12T20:31:19.027-04:00***Laying in bed with Spencer asleep on my chest, in his star jammies that Aunt Sherry brought to him in the NICU, is perfection. It's something I never thought I would love this much. All the garbage that has happened or is happening or might happen with him melts away. It's almost like he's back in my belly again where he was safe. He's safe here in my lovin' arms and he calms and soothes me without even knowing it or meaning to. While I love the time we spend with daddy, my favorite time of day is when I've given Spencer his early morning bottle and we climb into my bed for an hour or two after Todd gets up for work. Mommy and Spencer nap time. If you pull away the layers of garbage we're under, at the core, I'm madly, completely, and eternally in love with Spencer. I can't stress it enough. He's my best buddy. My favorite. Just being with him and seeing how awesome and laid back he is through it all blows my mind. It's amazing what a little snuggle can do to set you right.
I owe all my good moment to you, little boo.Sharky Marie P.G.http://www.blogger.com/profile/16549686087448941449noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7906895781969830665.post-3836072541679445512011-09-08T06:16:00.001-04:002011-09-08T06:18:13.012-04:00***One month ago today at 3:53pm, Spencer came into our lives. Despite everything that has happened since, it remains the best day of my life. He is still the sweetest baby I have ever been around and I know how lucky I am to be his mommy...especially since everyone keeps threatening to kidnap him. Everyday, I learn more about him, and myself. I am a lot stronger than I thought, even if I don't always feel that way. And I'm a good mom, though I don't always feel THAT way. Some how, the second they put him in my arms 1 month ago, I knew what to do. I just knew how to be a mom. And with all the hurt we've felt this past month, I know exactly how big my heart is. And it totally belongs to Spencer (OK, Todd gets some of it, too). I've wasted too much time with my tears. From this point forward, I'm sucking it up because I don't want to miss a second of Spencer. Even the seconds that involve poop.<p>
Yesterday we received more good test results. Just like the frogs, things are only moving forward. He's up to 7 lbs 14 ounces and looking, sounding, and feeling good, just as he should. He's getting super strong and making the doctors happy. I still despise watching him give blood but he handles it. A quick cry and he's over it. And then I do what I do...snuggle him close and kiss him melon. It's good for both of us. The bottom line is that his test results rocked and we now only have to go downtown biweekly!!! I still believe Spencer is kicking ass to make things easier for me. I think he wants me to be happy when I'm with him, not feel bad for him. So I felt proud instead. He's such a good little guy! And yes, he's still getting a treat for being so tuff! Anyway, hopefully things continue on a positive wave and then they'll say he's in "remission" and we'll only go monthly just to keep an eye on things. Then we can just deal with his other needs. That sits just fine with me because if I had to watch him be treated for cancer...it would break me.<p>
So Happy 1 Month to the love of my life. You've made me a better person and I hope I'm doing right by you. Every day that we spend together is better than the one before. You've got such a little personality and I love watching you grow. But maybe you could slow down jusssssst a little. I don't want to wake up tomorrow and have you going off to college. I won't be able to dress you in robot and monster outfits then.<p>
I LOVE YOU!
Sharky Marie P.G.http://www.blogger.com/profile/16549686087448941449noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7906895781969830665.post-687231441743403092011-09-03T03:09:00.001-04:002011-09-03T03:19:47.807-04:00***On Wednesday, Spencer had a pretty awesome doctor's appointment. I hate watching my little dude give blood, especially when I'm at the appointment alone. It breaks my heart. But we got awesome results and he looked, sounded, and felt good. If his numbers stay on their current trend, I will be able to go downtown biweekly instead of weekly. That would be Heavenly!<p>
But on top of some improvements in health, Spencer did something pretty awesome: he rolled over!!! According to the interwebs, this typically doesn't happen until 2 - 3 months, and that seems to be the trend with the children of my friends. Spencer was 24 days old! He was getting his Tummy Time and FLIP, over he went! It happened several more times yesterday and was caught on video.<p>
I'm not bringing this up to brag. It's a developmental milestone. Due to sone of his issues, we thought these things would be delayed, not happen uber-early. His muscle tone has been in question since birth and he's showing EVERYBODY what he's made of. His doc saw great improvement in his tone on Wednesday afternoon. I guess he just wanted to blow her mind at next week's appointment!<p>
He sure blew our minds. We're proud parents.<p>
He got "Where The Sidewalk Ends" as a treat for being a trooper at the clinic and for blowing minds all over the place. Todd sent me a text saying, "You're doing a good job taking care of Spencer". It was sweet to hear but it's truly my pleasure. He's amazing. And I wonder if he's kicking ass like this to make things easier on me.<p>
All I know is that watching him roll RULES!!!Sharky Marie P.G.http://www.blogger.com/profile/16549686087448941449noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7906895781969830665.post-31405375765663924792011-08-28T11:14:00.000-04:002011-08-28T11:14:58.257-04:00***I wish I had even 1% of the strength Spencer has. He is the strongest person I know. How did he get stuck with such a weakling for a mother? How am I going to toughen up for him? All I know right now is that holding him on my shoulder or kissing his cheek makes the pain temporarily stop. I can't hold him on my should and smell his hair for the rest of my life. Can I? I want to wake up from this nightmare. And I want Spencer to be there...and to be OK.Sharky Marie P.G.http://www.blogger.com/profile/16549686087448941449noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7906895781969830665.post-1197879675416976582011-08-19T22:29:00.000-04:002011-08-19T22:29:41.063-04:00***Blogging is going to be fewer and farther between, but this isn't the end. Spencer is a special little guy who needs some extra love and attention right now. For only being 10 days old, he's been through the ringer. And so have we. I'd rather stare at his perfect peach head, smooch his cheeks-for-weeks, and just hang out with him and my husband than blather anyway. But this isn't the end. It's just time to press pause until some pain subsides and I learn how to handle the enormous outpouring of love I'm feeling from all directions. Maybe my chatter is confusing you but all you really need to know is that I love my son and choose him over anything and anyone in the world.Sharky Marie P.G.http://www.blogger.com/profile/16549686087448941449noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7906895781969830665.post-37298684286355612452011-08-11T02:40:00.001-04:002011-08-11T02:43:25.479-04:00Hell On Earth: Update #1No time to be cute of clever. Monday was the best day of our lives and Tuesday was the worst. While things have improved, Spencer has a ways to up before he can come home to Grayskull. Our hearts are just broken and our minds are exhausted. At least I'm getting discharged today and can sleep with Spencer at hospital #2. I know Todd, my dad, my sister, and various family members have been with him but he needs his mommy. He's the sweetest little boy and I haven't seen or touched him since 2:00 on Tuesday. I took holding him for granted, thinking I'd have every day of forever to do it. And now he's unwell and I'm not there! He has a blanket I cuddled with to get my scent on and a stuffed frog from my aunt because FROGS CAN ONLY MOVE FORWARD.<br />
<br />
Just like the love of my life.<br />
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I love you, Spencer, and we'll be together soon.Sharky Marie P.G.http://www.blogger.com/profile/16549686087448941449noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7906895781969830665.post-26964099011959394382011-08-09T03:50:00.000-04:002011-08-09T03:50:03.003-04:008/8/11: Welcome To The World, Spencer Lee FonzarelliAfter an emergency C-section, he's here. Our son. Spencer Lee Fonzarelli Gansert. He's a tiny little thing weighing in at 6 lbs. 1 ounce and he's a 20 inch string bean!!! As far as I can tell, he's got Todd's nose and my eyes, mouth, and chin. He has light brown hair and the most awesome fingers and toes. Yeah, I'm an addict!!! As soon as they pulled him out, we both cried and had a moment. It was the best feeling in the world!<br />
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There's a lot of story and it's good stuff...that'll have to wait!<br />
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I'M A MOMMY! HE'S HERE!!!!!!!Sharky Marie P.G.http://www.blogger.com/profile/16549686087448941449noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7906895781969830665.post-13501897920312660512011-08-05T10:45:00.000-04:002011-08-05T10:45:27.384-04:00Making Progress: Dilation, Effacement, and Me<strong>SO MUCH</strong> to blather at you about that restless bun that's been in my oven for 38 weeks!<br />
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Let's get the technical mumbo jumbo out of the way because it's EXCITING but not EXCITING. Spencer is still pretty much the size of a mini-watermelon but he's stretched from a swiss chard to the length of a leek...from a vegetable I'm not familiar with to a vegetable I'm not a fan of. "<em>Can't wait to sneak a peak at my lil leek</em>" - Todd. Regardless, I'm guessing I've got a lengthy little man in there because he's wedged up under my ribs while simultaneously using my bladder as a pillow. He's ALL OVER in there that I think he may be part octopus.<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-U8i568yELK4/TjwAQKgxAmI/AAAAAAAACYE/kf-F_39v_ew/s1600/38-leek.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="228px" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-U8i568yELK4/TjwAQKgxAmI/AAAAAAAACYE/kf-F_39v_ew/s320/38-leek.jpg" t$="true" width="320px" /></a></div>As for the specifics of being 38 weeks along, there's really not much to tell. The clock is winding down. He's still secreting that gunk that prevents his lungs from sticking together when he begins to breathe, he's layering on the fat, and his brain is continuing to develop it's Ivy League potential. And that's about it in that department! He's just prepping for his big debut!<br />
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</div><div class="separator" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">As for moi, I could be leaking breast milk, but I'm not. I could have swollen feet and ankles, but I don't. No stretch marks, no itchy abdomen, no dark black tummy line, no sign of the mucous plug (ew). I AM really bouncing from hyper active to totally drained. Trying to use my spurts of energy to get last minute projects done. Contractions put a damper on that though. Yeeouch! I shed a few tear droplets the other day (haven't had many emotions while preggo) because I was in pain and frustrated but Todd rubbed the bump and made me feel a little better. It's good to have a partner in all this.</div><div class="separator" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">So here's my 38 week mug shot and shot of my mug, for posterity.</div><div class="separator" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
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</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-RA92W7EmMlg/TjwAUowU3JI/AAAAAAAACYM/W-D8tEUzBRw/s1600/front.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320px" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-RA92W7EmMlg/TjwAUowU3JI/AAAAAAAACYM/W-D8tEUzBRw/s320/front.jpg" t$="true" width="320px" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-pResDvFmSFw/TjwASqbEsOI/AAAAAAAACYI/S6e0LhZDL10/s1600/face.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320px" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-pResDvFmSFw/TjwASqbEsOI/AAAAAAAACYI/S6e0LhZDL10/s320/face.jpg" t$="true" width="320px" /></a></div><div align="center" class="separator" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-4BKktGKlCKg/TjvyiNavDVI/AAAAAAAACX8/URVAzXNM_D8/s1600/side.jpg" imageanchor="1"><span style="text-decoration: none; text-underline: none;"></span></a></div><div class="separator" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">So I had my weekly doctor's appointment yesterday (but almost DIDN'T due to my doc ducking out to deliver a baby) and was totally ready to hear that I had made zero progress as certain people are convinced that I'm going to be late. My BP was still good (which I'm jazzed about because I've been having some headaches) and his heart beat was 142. Again, he gave the nurse a hard time and insisted on wriggling while she was using the Doppler. My little troublemaker. My weight remained the same and when she measured my fundal height, she said I was a little under but that it was alright. If she's not nervous, I'm not.</div><div class="separator" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">Like I said, I was honestly ready to hear that my cervix was like a steel trap and we'd just have to wait until next week for any developments. Shockingly, this was not the case! During my exam, she discovered I was 2 cm (1 and a wiggle, but she's counting it) and I'm 50% effaced. ROCK! Effacement is really what you want. Yes, they sort of go hand-in-hand (10 cm and 100% = baby) but you can only dilate SO FAR without being effaced. They can make you dilate but they can't thin you out! So I'm in a really good place and the doc said it truly can be any day.</div><div class="separator" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">The nurse said I might not even make it to my appointment next Wednesday!</div><div class="separator" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="color: #e06666;"><strong>The Godmother</strong></span>: <em>Excellent. I think your body is ready to get him on outta there. I want to poke at him. Nicely of course. Rest up and efface!</em></div><div class="separator" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">Like always, I need to make notes of my contractions and call when I have them every 5 minutes for an hour. I was also told that if I am leaking any fluid to call right away, contractions or not. For the first time, I was spotting a little. I was told this could happen after a vaginal exam this late in the game but it was still scary to see. It didn't last long and now I'm back to feeling like me. All anxious and excited. It truly COULD be any time now. EEK! So tonight, we get the car seat and my bag in the car and stock the freezer and cupboard. This could possibly be the LAST WEEKLY UPDATE (if I get my way)!!!</div><div class="separator" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
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</div><div align="center" class="separator" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-kTWtPkdZqUE/Tjvyttw6h_I/AAAAAAAACYA/WMGOQiwiwYs/s1600/fortune.jpg" imageanchor="1"><span style="text-decoration: none; text-underline: none;"></span></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-VUKOklzb2sQ/TjwAYgxpgGI/AAAAAAAACYU/5PNLF3Bkmjk/s1600/fortune.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="167px" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-VUKOklzb2sQ/TjwAYgxpgGI/AAAAAAAACYU/5PNLF3Bkmjk/s320/fortune.jpg" t$="true" width="320px" /></a></div><div align="center" class="separator" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">My fortune cookie seems to think so!</div><div align="center" class="separator" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: center;"><br />
</div>Sharky Marie P.G.http://www.blogger.com/profile/16549686087448941449noreply@blogger.com1