The first step in figuring out why we can't get any buns in an oven I assure you worked in the past - having blood drawn. There's nothing cool about needles. Sorry heroin addicts.
It was the same as every time: "You're covered in tattoos. You can't POSSIBLY be afraid of needles." Lady, I assure you I can be and am and I should punch you for even talking to me. Tattoo needles don't suck blood from my veins, filling up a plastic tube like one of those bubbling Christmas light bulbs. 3 viles later and I was free to go...and to impatiently wait for messages to appear in my doctor provided voicemail box.
The first message I received let me know that I was STD free. Not a shock but always good to hear. The second message told me that my good ol' pap smear was satisfactory. As satisfactory as those things are supposed to be, I guess. I also learned that my thyroid was tip-top. But I knew that because dim-witted doctors have been trying to blame my health problems on the thyroid for years. It was the third call that really got my mind boggled.
My doc leaves me a message saying that my blood work indicated that my FH and LSH levels were off (I don't remember which is which but those hormones make the eggs and then boot them from the ovaries when the time is right). This could have meant:
A. That I was pregnant. When you're pregnant, the levels go up and stay up.
B. That I was ovulating at the very moment blood was drawn. When you ovulate, the levels go up but eventually drop back down.
C. That I had Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome and was no longer ovulating.
For your education, from the Mayo Clinic: Polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS) is the most common hormonal disorder among women of reproductive age. The name of the condition comes from the appearance of the ovaries in most, but not all, women with the disorder — enlarged and containing numerous small cysts located along the outer edge of each ovary (polycystic appearance). The exact cause of polycystic ovary syndrome is unknown. Women with polycystic ovary syndrome may have trouble becoming pregnant due to infrequent or lack of ovulation.
No longer OVULATING?? I ovulate ALL OVER THE PLACE!
The first thing I did was take a pregnancy test. No. The first thing I did was freak out to my oldest pal, Tessa (who is also the future godmother to the first born spawn), about how I would have been like 2 milliseconds pregnant when the blood was drawn. She brought me back down to Earth and THEN I took the test. Negative. Of course.
Then I talked to the doc and she said women with PCOS typically have hormone levels with a ratio of 3:1. My levels were 5:1. Yeah, I'm an over-achiever. Regardless, she said maybe I have PCOS and my levels are just higher than most women, or maybe I was just ovulating when the blood was drawn and my hormone levels in general are higher than most women.
My brain hurt thinking about it THEN and it still throbs a bit.
We knew for certain that I was at least MAKING eggs. I just might not have been booting them from the nest. There's no way to tell for sure. But if this was the case, all hope was not lost. Certain fertility drugs could help give the eggs the push they need. And no, these were not Jon and Kate Plus 8 or Octomom fertility drugs. But more on that later.
So we had jumped through the first hoop, but things were still slightly fuzzy.
Next up: Hysterosalpingogram. Stay tuned for that dramedy.