Tuesday, November 1, 2011


I've got a quick minute to blog before my best buddy wakes up from his little snooze. I've been trying to blog for the past few days but EVERY TIME, it disappears. Makes me want to throw in the towel but that's not my style, as I'm sure you know by now.

Yesterday was Spencer's 1st Halloween and I couldn't have asked for a better holiday. He was adorably awesome in his shark costume (Mommy was a mermaid and Daddy was the Gortons fisherman). We did my mom's cul de sac, where Spencer was very popular and filled his little Frankenstein bag quickly, and then warmed ourselves inside at my family Halloween party. My heart was warmed as well. It was a rad night with my little guy.

What's NOT rad is abnormal cells still showing up in his blood. Every time we think we're going to get a clean bill of health, something is still lingering. I should be happy that the numbers have always been on a downward trend and they are now only at 1%, I know that. But until he HITS and STAYS AT 0%, we can't have him "Hooray! I'm in REMISSION!" party. Anyone who cares about us at all is praying for that day. Spence and I go back to the Hematology/Oncology clinic in 2 weeks. Hopefully there's good news by then.

Some good news that we received at his evaluation today is that he does not need speech or occupation/fine motor assistance. He's right on track! These are the things that really mattered to me because they're more "mental", just to quickly describe it. Yes, he's slightly delayed where his motor skills are concerned but with some physical therapy exercises, his muscles will be built up in no time. They were VERY happy with his development so I'm happy, too. Next week, I'm going to learn how to do infant massage...just a fun little thing for my me and my dude!

Not so fun? Going back to work.

These are my last 5 days one-on-one with Spencer and I feel horribly sick. I know women with kids work. I know I need to work. But I would gladly give a few of my toes to be able to stay home with him. I've been the one working with him daily. Sure, it may just be reading, playing, listening to music, Tummy Time, but it's been part of our daily routine. I feel like I'm abandoning him. Maybe it'll feel better after I get back into the groove. And if it doesn't, I'll reevaluate. Spencer is without a doubt my top priority. I'm the head of Team Spencer.

I'm just feeling much better than I was 12 weeks ago (I can't believe my guy turned 12 weeks yesterday) and I'm terrified that separating from him will set me back. And I will NEVER forgive myself if he gets set back in any way. I've been told that I'm a good mom (by my own mom, family members, doctors/nurses, and my husband) and I don't want to screw that up.

But I won't lie, I still wish we all had it just a bit easier.

Still...Spencer is the best thing to ever happen to me. My heart is full.

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